Interesting, I’ve been thinking the same thing all day. Apparently great minds do think alike.
Disclaimer: This post/photo is not a political statement.
Category Archives: Jokes
Today…
Leave a reply
Today, I saw an elderly man fall in a crosswalk, so I jumped off my bike to help. As I helped him across, the light turned on. At that point I noticed my phone had fallen out of my picket in the street and was run over by several cars. I then watched across a 6 lane street as someone stole my bike.
Ok, this really didn’t happen to me, but it apparently did happen to someone else! I found this new web site that’s been giving me a few laughes all day. Check it out, it’s called FMyLife.com. And if you happen to have an iPhone or iPod Touch there’s an app to give you a laugh during the day when things are getting frustrating.
Mirror, Mirror
Shrek, Jennifer Lopez and Brad Pitt were all having lunch together.
Shrek said, ‘I have always thought that I’m the strongest in the World, but how can I be sure?’
Jennifer Lopez said, ‘I’m pretty sure I’m the sexiest of them all but I’ve never had it confirmed.’
Brad Pitt agreed. ‘I’m told I’m the hottest guy around, but sometimes I wonder….’
They all decided that the best way to find out if their beliefs were true was to approach the wicked Queen’s mirror to confirm for them whether Shrek was the strongest, Jennifer Lopez was the sexiest and Brad Pitt was the hottest.
They agreed to meet again the next day for lunch to discuss their findings.
The next day Shrek walked up with a smile. ‘Well, it’s true. The mirror told me that I am the strongest man in the world..’
Jennifer Lopez followed and boasted, ‘It is true, it has been confirmed that I am the sexiest woman alive!!’
Brad Pitt walked in, head bent, tears in his eyes and asked, “Who the hell is Denny?”
———-
Thanks joker36 for the, uh… joke. Originally I was going to use you there at the end, considering that’s how you sent it, but decided it might come off the wrong way, if you know what I mean.
NY thousandaire becomes majority owner of Miami Dolphins
THE POULIOS.COM PRESS
Marina Del Rey, CA – New York thousandaire, who requested to go by the name Denny, became majority owner of the Miami Dolphins on Tuesday, completing his purchase of 95 percent of the franchise for $10 thousand, with Wayne Huizenga retaining a 5 percent interest. Denny takes over with the franchise’s fortunes on the upswing. When the first phase of his purchase was completed, the Dolphins were coming off a 1-15 season, worst in franchise history. Under the new Bill Parcells regime, they improved to 11-6 this season and made the playoffs for the first time since 2001.
The sale triggers a clause allowing the Dolphins to move operations to New York City, becoming the only N.F.L team to play in N.Y. When noted Buffalo is also a New York team, Denny responded by saying “they might as well be part of the Canadian Football League at this point, when’s the last time they made the playoffs?!” Rumors persist that Denny will request the Jets and Giants rename their teams using the state they play in, New Jersey. Construction is already under way to build a state of the art stadium on the Manhattan West Side. This is the same location the Jets and Giants looked to build prior to settling in New Jersey… again.
Denny noted the team will be renamed the Mushtangs (not misspelled) after his friends’ fantasy football team, who has shown an uncanny ability to win championships at the same rate as the Yankees. This might have something to do with him also being commissioner of the fantasy football league. A converted Dolphins fan from the 90′s, who asked to remain anonymous, is now questioning her short lived loyalty to the Dolphins and claims she “will now root for a new team, which will be the team the next guy I date roots for.”
General manager Jeff Ireland, scouting players preparing Tuesday for the Senior Bowl in Mobile, Ala., was asked if he would be surprised if the Dolphins stayed in Miami, “Yeah, I’d be shocked,” Ireland said. “Obviously that would be something that we wouldn’t like to see happen.”
“I know under Denny’s leadership the Dolphins are in outstanding hands,” Huizenga said in a statement. Denny, 32, made his thousands as a technology auditor and is chairman of Poulios.com. He was ranked 209,678,771 in 2008 on Forbes’ list of richest Americans. Denny attended Mt. Sinai High School and the University of Scranton. He began his career in Washington, DC.
See Link for the actual article on newsday.com.
Skier Suffers Exposure
This article with pictures just speaks for itself. Click the link below and enjoy.
Thanks for the link Chad, one of the best laughs I’ve had in while.
A Conversation Between Idiots (Guest Blog)
I had lots of good times with K over the past 7 years, some before he left NY and some after. One particular conversation we had was intriguing at the time, but looking back, it was clearly a case of stupidity. Usually, I would put a large % of the stupidity part on K, but in this case, I share an equal part. 50/50 K!! Stupid or not, it still makes me chuckle to this day.
So K and I worked in the same office; he sat in front of me and we were separated by a cubicle wall. Not a high wall, but high enough to not be able to see over when sitting. One afternoon, K decides to share a vacation plan with me, and the conversation proceeded as follows:
K: I think I am going to book a vacation to Greece.
Joker: Wow. That sounds nice. I assume you’ve been there.
K: Yes I have. I have family there. You should go someday.
Joker: Maybe I will.
K: Well if you go, you should check out the Parking Lot.
Joker: Why?
K: It’s just something to go see. It’s quite impressive.
Joker: Really? Is it big?
K: Yes. It’s huge, and it’s been there forever.
Joker (after a brief silence): Interesting!..How many cars does it hold?
K (after a brief silence): I don’t know. If I had to guess, I’d say 100,000.
Joker: Okay. I’m sure it’s nice, but I don’t think I’d go all the way to Greece to see it.
At this point, K got up and turned around: What are you talking about?, with a mixture of disgust and confusion on his face.
Joker: Why should I travel to Greece to see a parking lot? I see parking lots every day.
K (with a continued perplexed look): What parking lot?
Joker: You told me that if I go to Greece, I have to make sure to see the Parking Lot.
K: No, I said the Parthenon.
Joker: Oh. Well that makes more sense.
So I ask. who is the bigger buffoon? Is it me, for actually thinking that there would be such an amazing parking lot in Greece that one should make a trip there just to see? OR..is it K, for actually thinking I would ask such a ludicrous question as how many cars would fit in the Parthenon, AND then run a quick calculation in his head to come up with an estimate??
Great stuff K. I will tell my kids someday.
Thanks Joker, good stuff.
Job Market
This post falls into the “be careful what you wish for” category. Earlier today “ME” sent “me” a video. I found it pretty funny and thought it was worthy of it’s own blog post. I quickly ran into problems. WordPress doesn’t allow me to upload files larger than 2 MB. So I uploaded the file to the server using FTP. This did little since WordPress didn’t recognize it. I did some research and found a plugin that allows WordPress to recognize it when I tell it to. So things were looking up. Well, not so much. I added a link to the file within the post, but that’s all it was, a link. Sort of like having a link to a picture instead of a thumbnail. I wanted the video to show in a player. I did some more research and found a video plugin that isn’t perfect and may have some bugs. So, well over an hour later, I’m happy to present you with the status of the current job market. Enjoy!
P.S. The player requires Quicktime, I think. Give me a heads up if you have trouble viewing it.
P.S. (4/5/2008) – I’ve changed the formatting to allow the file to be opened by Windows Media Player. It should work better now when using Windwos. Again, give me a heads up if you’rehaving any trouble viewing it.
Healthy Living Question & Answer Session
I haven’t gotten a lot of good jokes via e-mail lately, so I decided to go back to my e-mail archives for one. I can only wish this one is true considering my current situation.Q: I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true ?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that’s it…don’t waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that’s like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain?
Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can’t think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain…Good!
Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU’RE NOT LISTENING!!!. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil.
In fact, they’re permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO ….. Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It’s the best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! ‘Round’ is a shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
And remember: “Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways – Captain and Coke in one hand – cigarette in the other – body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming ‘WOO HOO, What a Ride!
So, live a little and enjoy what you like.
Guys Rules
From my e-mail archives, enjoy!
Finally, the guys’ side of the story. We always hear “the rules” from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note… these are all numbered “1″ ON PURPOSE!
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you won’t dress like the Victoria’s Secret girls, don’t expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say nothing,” we will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine…Really.
1. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
1. You have enough clothes and too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.
Thank you for reading this. Lucky for me, I’m single and will not be forced to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don’t mind that? It’s like camping.
Pet Peeves
Well, it’s been a week or so since my last blog about the Knicks on the Sports Rumblings blog. The Knicks are a frustrating team to watch right now, so I’ve decided to blog about something else. For starters, a quick update on my blog settings. I’ve decided to open up the blog to all registered users of blogger. This change was based on friend’s recommendations, so we’ll see how it goes.
Earlier today I received a funny e-mail. It’s somewhat of an extension of my pet peeves list. They are all based on rules and are followed by their “reasoningâ€. I’ve listed a few below.
New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There’s a reason you don’t talk to people for 25 years. Because you don’t particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.
New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.
New Rule: There’s no such thing as flavored water. There’s a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket; water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That’s your flavored water.
New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a “decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n’-Low and one NutraSweet,” ooh, you’re a huge asshole.
New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn’t make you spiritual. It’s right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to “beef with broccoli.” The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren’t pregnant. You’re not spiritual. You’re just high.
New Rule: Competitive eating isn’t a sport. It’s one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What’s next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They’re already doing that. It’s called “The Howard Stern Show.”
New Rule: I don’t need a bigger mega M&M. If I’m extra hungry for M&Ms, I’ll go nuts and eat two.
New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it’s for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking up the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn’t gift giving, it’s the white people version of looting.
New Rule: This one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can’t even tell if he’s supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don’t want to be on your web-cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.
